Overcoming challenges, jellyfish, and bedside tables.

We’ve all seen them, an inspirational quote on a pretty background scattered throughout our Instagram feeds that are meant to inspire us to overcome our problems and start each day anew and empowered.

The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.

Or so says Molière. In my humble opinion though, these little snippets are not always helpful or necessarily relevant, they may offer a short little seratonin boost whilst doom scrolling through Instagram, but in reality they are not substantively useful to most people. For you see, these quotes treat the adversity one might be experiencing like a singular problem, a mountain to climb, some singular challenge to overcome, but rarely are our problems so simple. If only.

At first glance, a big problem.

Our problems are rarely a singular problem to overcome. Take the Portuguese Man ‘o War, an umistakable and striking creature, famous for it’s incredibly painful and sometimes fatal sting. To be stung by this is a very painful turn of events indeed and a fairly big problem. However, whilst this creature may appear to be a jellyfish, it is not. It is in fact a collection of individual organisms called a siphonophorae that together form a colony that for all intents and purposes is a singluar animal. Certainly at the point you are being stung by it you’re thinking you’ve been stung by a jellyfish. In actual fact though if you’re stung by one of these your day has been ruined by a collection of smaller organisms conspiring together to ruin your day.

In much the same way, when we are going through patches of extreme adversity, where everything seems impossible, when you cannot see any way out of the situation you find yourself in, more often than not there is not one singular problem to overcome. Were there just one singular problem it would probably not be so emotionally overwhelming, it is often much easier to see your way out of a problem with one easily identifiable cause. It is a lot less simple finding your way out of a situation where the cause is unidentifiable and numerous.

The last bit of tidying is always the worst

Let’s switch up the analogy a bit; when we go about tidying a room the end result is one of domestic bliss, much as when we go about tidying our minds the end goal is one of emotional and psychological bliss.

Tidying up a bedroom is made up of different stages, at first you have the easy bits, the big bits and pieces. Put the clean clothes away, make the bed, open the curtains, put all the dirty clothes in the laundry basket, hang up the dressing gown… nice, simple, quick to achieve distinct steps towards happiness.

However, once the easy bits are done the bedside table in this metaphorical bedroom is still scattered with coins, receipts, old cups, random trinkets, charging cables, dust, cosmetics, all sorts; none of which have a clearly defined place or obvious solution to tidy away, completing this final step is difficult if not overwhelmingly impossible. And so we give up, happiness has slipped through our fingers. All of those little bits and pieces need putting away, they are all tiny little individual problems but together they just represent a single problem, a seemingly impossible and frustrating task to tidy the bedside table before one can achieve that bliss of a perfectly tidy room.

Tidying the bedside table in our mind

When life is challenging, and we’re struggle to cope, it can often be like tidying a room. We’ve already taken lots of big steps to fix obvious things; perhaps we’ve got a new job, straigtened out our finances, and ditched the toxic relationship. But we might still feel like everything is wrong and life is unbearable or mundane, and often that can be because tidying our minds is a lot like tidying a room. You can do the obvious bits, and make a big impact, but the room still feels messy. At the end of any room tidy you are always left with the pile of “stuff” that needs sorting, the irritating annoying bit of tidying that could be swept under the bed and ignored but eventually is going to have to be dealt with to consider the room truly tidy. Our minds are the same, deal with the big stuff first, but eventually you’re going to be left with a pile of little bits and pieces, and until that stuff is sorted out your mind is still going to be a frustrating increasingly overwhelming mess.

Our minds and our emotions are much the same. When we encounter an emotional problem with a clearly identifiable cause we can take clear steps to overcome that and feel better about it, where we know the problem we can resolve it. The moment that problem isn’t clearly defined though is the moment we can become distressed and overwhelmed, we know there is a problem but we cannot define it and so we struggle to overcome it.

It’s very easy when we are going through a period of significant challenges or emotional turmoil to become overwhelmed with a huge array of small issues, or indeed lots of big issues, that come together in our minds to become this general sense of “argh” that we have no idea how to overcome because the cause is not just one singular thing and it’s hard to know where to start. Just like the Portuguese Man ‘o War, our minds haven’t been stung by one singular creature, they have been stung by a collection of creatures that conspire together to completely overwhelm us.

So, how do we fight a jellyfish?

So, your mind has been stung by a jellyfish of emotions, or to be more precise a siphonophorae of emotions. Now what?

This is the million dollar question, perhaps the first thing to recognise is that there is not going to be one single magic bullet to fix how your feeling. After all, if it were easy no one would ever have any problems, there would be magic bullets flying and everyone would be at the absolute peak of emotional well being. No, sadly it’s a lot harder than that and it likely isn’t going to be easy or quick but nothing is impossible and with time and effort it can be overcome.

Many of these suggestions will be things you’ve seen or heard before, and me saying them now isn’t going to necessarily convince you to try them out, but I urge you to try it, and important for some of the suggestions, stick it out to reap the benefits.

Self reflection

Probably one of the most powerful skills to learn in the journey of overcoming adversity is the art of self reflection. It isn’t always easy, and it takes practice, but being able to reflect on oneself is an invaluable tool that will equip you for decades to come and after a while will become second nature.

Self reflection is about looking within yourself and reflecting on your day, your emotions, on what you think and feel about what you do and what happens to you on any given day. It doesn’t have to be in-depth or complicated, and it doesn’t have to be anything new age or uncomfortable it can just be a simple case of writing a diary or journal. Let’s think of it another way; if you were feeling unwell after some meals, your doctor would probably suggest keeping a diary of what food you eat each day and recording against each day how you felt at the end of the day. Overtime with that food diary you can pin point what made you feel unwell. Our emotions are just the same, let’s record what we eat, or in this case feel, each day, the things that happen to us, and against each day record how we feel. Overtime that journal might give us clues about what makes us feel good and what makes us feel bad.

A journal doesn’t have to be long, or in-depth it could be something really simple and quick that you jot down at the end of the day, or it could be a long page detailing some dramatic event that occurred like an argument with a friend or family member. The key is recording what’s occurred and most importantly of all, recording how you feel as honestly as you possible can. Alongside each day, or event you could record a little summary of the day by perhaps using a star rating or a different emoji for each day. Maybe a really good could day gets a smile emoji, whereas a neutral day gets a no smile straight face emoji, and maybe a really bad day gets a crying emoji. Simple but effective.

Just like with a food allergy diary, once we’ve identified the elements in our lives that are making us feel unwell emotionally, we can take steps to mitigate that problem, or perhaps even cut it out of our diet entirely.

Mindfullness

Mindfulness is one of those buzz words that seemingly everyone recommends and people rave about, but don’t let that put you off, it is worth trying because it works for almost everyone. Being mindful just means to mediate or calm the mind, it helps silence the inner monologue and just quieten things down in our heads if only for a little bit. It doesn’t have to be like a monk sitting cross legged, mindfulness can be done anywhere you like and however you are most comfortable. Try it lying in bed before sleep or after waking up, or sitting in a favourite comfy chair, but it would work as well on a favourite park bench, in the bath or shower, or even sitting on the toilet, just somewhere quiet where you can be alone and get some peace and quiet. The key here is just slowing down and being quiet and with our thoughts and really being aware of ourselves and our feelings and being less reactionary, often when we’re going about our day we might just be in a state of fighting fires, mindfulness teaches us to just slow down a bit and be more considered and aware.

Download an app like Headspace and have a go at their introduction courses, or try out their sessions for falling asleep. Headspace in particular have lots of different sessions and different voices to try so you can pick out the one that speaks to you and is most helpful for your situation. The thing about mindfulness is that it’s a skill, it isn’t an activity you do from time to time, it takes practice and you get better at it so do keep trying it out. After a session you will find that your mind is quieter and you can think clearer, or get to sleep, or start the day feeling mentally fresh and emotionally ready.

Once you’ve got your mind a bit quieter, clearer, many aspects of our lives can become better or more manageable because we have the mental capacity to process what is going on.

Regain that sense of progress with lists

The problem with trying to tidy a bedside table full of tiny things and mess is that it’s hard to tell when you are making any progress. In much the same way when we are overwhelmed with our emotions and overwhelmed with our days it can be hard to tell when we’re making progress. Often this can result in us feeling unaccomplished, like our days are wasted and we’re getting nowhere in life.

If you’re going to be able to shake that overwhelming sense of getting nowhere and nothing ever getting better you need a way to track your progress and get that sense of progress and accomplishment and forward motion back. The quickest and simplest way of doing this is to write a list.

Try to start each day writing down three things you want to get done that day. Don’t go crazy and write down 20 things because then you’re just setting yourself up for a fail, go with a few things that are actually possible to accomplish in your day and tick them off as you get them done. At the end of the day you can then look back and feel positive about your accomplishments for the day.

Remember to make your targets for the day S.M.A.R.T

• Specific
• Measurable
• Achievable
• Realistic
• Time bound

To continue the metaphor, there is no point making your target for the day to tidy the entire bedside table. That would work about as well as making your target for the day to achieve perfect emotional harmony. It isn’t specific or realistic. Instead make your target something like “Tidy away all the empty glasses on the bedside table”. This is specific, you can easily measure when it’s done, it’s certainly achievable, and it’s realistic, and of course it’s time bound because it’s your target for the day.

When you are fighting against that sense of overwhelming emotional pressure from having endless pile of things that make you worried, upset, stressed, or anxious you need to regain the sense of accomplishment and progress in getting life back in order. You are being crushed by the sheer scale of emotions and it’s often impossible to feel like things are getting any better because you can’t easily recognise progress. Targets for the day give you little snippets of accomplishment and progress that chip away at that overwhelming emotional burden. At the end of the day you can look back and feel positive about your efforts however small rather than frustrated you haven’t fixed everything in your life yet.

Top tip, if you do something that wasn’t on your list, add it to the list and then immediately tick it off, then you’ve accomplished something to look back on later!

Get out there, see your friends and family.

It is very easy when things have become too much and you’re feeling overwhelmed emotionally to hide away and retreat from friendships and family. Maintaining those emotional relationships are tiring after all and you probably have more important things to worry about. But, you have to try and force yourself out there, it doesn’t have to be anything crazy, but a meet up for a coffee or a lunch, or just a dog walk can make all the difference. That social contact and togetherness you get from being with friends can make all the difference to our well being. It might seem impossible or the exact opposite of what you might want to do, but if you can bring yourself try to fit even a little bit of social time into your week to connect with people who care for you. Sometimes it might be difficult or the last thing you want, but often once you’ve relaxed and spent time with your friends you’ll remember how much you enjoy their company and really enjoy yourself.

Whatever you are going through or struggling with emotionally, humans are not meant to be isolated and alone, we are social creatures and we need that interaction and connection with other people. Our friends and our family can love and support us through whatever we are going through. Remember though that the love and support doesn’t have to be practical, they don’t even necessarily need to know what you are going through, they can help you even by accident by just being there and having a nice time together.

Here is the tough bit though, your friends and your family can only help you if you give you them the opportunity. Getting out there and spending time together is the first step, if you can try and confide at least a little bit with them they can even better support you. When people ask us if we’re ok our default reaction is to say “I’m good” and move on, but what if when you are ready you actually answered the question? “No, I’m not actually”, admitting we are not ok is the hardest bit but once it’s out there you’ll be amazed how your friends rally around you and help you in any way that they can.

Grab life by the tentacles

Technically speaking the tentacles on a jelly fish are called arms, but “Grab life by the arms” doesn’t sound quite right.

Hopefully you now have a fresh perspective on how the challenges you might be experiencing come to be, and how actually your singlular state of being anxious or depressed, may be caused by a collection of smaller issues that are just so numerous it’s become overwhelming and giving the illusion of one big problem.

With the simple suggestions made in this blog you hopefully have been encouraged and equipped with some tools to help identify and manage those issues so you can tackle them one at a time and with a bit of luck bring a sense of peace to your mind and your emotions.

Ultimately remember that life isn’t easy, and it isn’t simple, it’s messy and complicated and there are always going to be lots of things that can bring about a negative emotion. You have within you the capacity and the tools to be ok, all it takes is a little bit of effort, and most importantly of all the drive and motivation to take back control of your emotions and strive for peace and happiness. So, go out there, grab life by the tentacles (or arms), tackle that metaphorical bedside table once and for all.